Its amazing how one day can change from the next. Sometimes your life takes you in directions you never intended and maybe never even saw coming. Its wise and good to be able to flow with life. However, sometimes it can be heartwrenching when your flow results in heartbreaks.
It is also amazing the impact people have each others lives. How someone can help you grow and show you love and not long afterward break your heart and leave you alone. All the while telling you that they love you. I am sure they do love you. I am sure they love you very much. But how can you leave someone you love alone?
I understand that people come and people go from our lives. This is the reality of being human. This is the reality of growing and living. It is hard when that person who is going is someone you love dearly and can not and do not want to be without, even if it means sacrificing your comforts and what you really want in the name of committment.
You scream and cry and try to share your heart and thoughts only to be denied the right you have to love and to understanding. Only to have your whole center of gravity thrown off and your world stopped mid cycle. Only to be told no.
"In the name of love" is such a shitty phrase. It may be selfish, but I can not leave someone because I love them. To me that is an oxymoron. If you love someone you stay with them and help them and care for them. Perhaps it is beyond me. Perhaps it is some strange self-sacrificial humbleness that I just can not fathom, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way.
When I give all my heart and energy and love to a person and I work and sacrifice and adapt, when I invest my life and compromise my comfort level for a person I expect something meaningful and lasting in return. I expect the person through thick and thin, busy or bored, tough or easy, poor or rich, and happy or sad. I expect that person to love me and do what they can for me, no matter how meager that may be.
Perhaps my standards are too high.
Well, I am not sure exactly what happened this past weekend. It took me 4 hours to get from Pittsburgh to Bethlehem. I was averaging 90mph so I saved an hour and killed an acre. Nonetheless, I got there alive and a little tired. C. and I had a nice dinner at this great middle eastern restraunt (my favorite food) and got to spend some time together. We then walked in some pretty hip little stores and some art galleries, stopped by the Banana Factory for the art show and some live music and then rented 40 year old virgin.
Then Saturday I helped him clean his house for the party he was having that night. I entirely cleaned the livingroom. It was REALLY dusty. I was so tired when I was done that I took a nap. Probably didn;t help that I was a little sick with a head cold. I woke up in time to change clothing for the party. I have never been that drunk in my life.
I only had 3 drinks (my fourth one I dumped out) and I was sitting on the floor in the upstairs hallway, emptying the contents of my purse in an effort to find my cell phone and screaming for an ambulance. I never drink and I was pretty ill. I was surrounded by like 4 of C.'s friends telling me I was fine. One guy yelled in my face that if I were coherant enough to ask for an ambulance then I was fine.
I spent the next 30 minutes vomiting, C. tried to help me but he was so drunk he called me Rachael and fell on me while I was in the bathroom so I kicked him out. I then met a nice man who gave me a hug and a rolaid and called my phone till I found it. By this time C. was passed out so I took his shoes off and just went to bed. I woke up vomiting from 8am until 2pm every hour on the hour. I then had to drive 4 hours back to Pittsburgh nauscious and tired.
It was all good in the end though because I won a game of asshole and I was president and everyone was at my biding, at least for one round. It was fun, but I am never going to drink again.
On a lighter note, Bethlehem is a great little town.
What the hell is up with this goat?!?
Well, Folks, I am off to Bethlehem today. I am pretty excited and hopefully this will be an enjoyable weekend. My company has not been feeling too well but I am hoping things will shape up. I am going to miss my puppy, but I will be back on Sunday :)
Here is a poem I wrote last night. I have always wanted to go to Russia and this poem is about one of the places I would like to travel to. Enjoy!
100 Kilometers south-east of Perm City
No place in the world was ever so pretty.
On the surface of Ledyanaya springtime is told
But her bowles are ice bound by an everlasting cold.
When the silk blanket of feather grass grows,
and honey of lime blossom fills your nose,
This is the time the great sculpter of voids,
bearing his limestone, carves caverns of joy.
Intricate labyrinths of stoney lace,
regal gypsum pillars of beauty and grace.
Dendritic garlands of sparkling ice,
and frozen chandaliers, glittering stalactites.
Within this subsurface castle under Earth,
Ermak, the hero, warms by the hearth.
He stays in the winter and is gone by the spring
Leaving when the waters flood over everything.
Inside Ice Mountain, deep in her bowels
You can hear the great sculpter each year when he howles.
With his limestone chisel and the gift God gave
Carving away at Kungur Cave.
makes makes it dark without light and she knows she can't fight the absurd delight of this unholy night, her muscles tight as he utters
which shatters her world, makes her toes curl, brings urges to hurl, her senses unfurl - Reviving memories of a girl who once heard
which she wishes would dissaprar or give her room to run from here - holding back her tears behind numbing years of an unclean soul fogged with drugs and beer. Drowning in ebbing tides of fear she listens to hear
that's everything and nothing all in one cut. That glows red as her cigarrette butt singeing holes in her gut. She feels like a slut and she shudders to hear
1. I resolve to eat less junk food...mainly because I am prone to diabetes and I am getting a little chubby.
2. I resolve to stay organized...mainly because I am sick of losing shit I need.
3. I resolve to go to class as much as I can stand...this is for you Megan ;)
4. I resolve to watch my finances...mainly because I am poor and I ran out of money in December and I am pissed about it.
5. I resolve to exercise more...I have a free gym and a fucking dog I should be moving more than I do.
6. I resolve to throw out anything I haven't touched in the past year. I figure I am a packrat. I only have three rooms and a closet and I am going to have to move if I acquire anything else...so I need to weed out that which I do not use. This is a hard one for me to do...maybe a yard sale will lift my spirits!
7. I resolve to nurse my surviving plants back to health and not selfishly purchase any more that I can't care for.
8. I resolve to go on a nice trip with a friend of my choice this coming year...maybe a road trip west or to the beach again...maybe NYC!
9. I resolve to stay on task with school, complete assignments early and always do my homework.
Feel free to help me with any of these if the moment moves you ;)
I probably won't see much of my friends with all these resolutions in place...I mean between cleaning and school and the gym and my dog and well, sleeping and eating...there is only time left for Maury Povich...sorry!
(I am joking, I would choose my friends over Maury anytime, unless he is doing a show on opposites attract...I love those episodes!)
In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Got to spend some time with C last night! YEAH!
He was visiting his parents in Cumberland (2 hours from where I was) so he drove up to see me. We had a good time: dinner at a carribean restraunt, a walk around the christmas decorations at PPG in downtown Pittsburgh, and some tv and relaxation at my house. He left at 11pm *tear* because I had to be at work at 9am.
I have never seen so many gingerbread houses in my life! There were like 200 little gingerbread houses made by local people ranging in age from Kindergarden to professional chef! They were stunning! Some of the gingerbread creation highlights included a football field complete with little players, a lifesize guitar made entirely out of candy, a beach scene complete with hotels and sun bathing gingerbread men, a campsite with cleverly named tents, and a wide array of house-like structures including a haunted house...now I know what to do with all that leftover halloween candy! I was kinda hungry when I left...hmmm.
Nonetheless I had a great time visiting with him. I will probably be driving up to Bethlehem the weekend of the 6-9th of January to visit with him again. I can't wait!
He is such a great guy and we have so much fun laughing and talking. Did I mention how handsome he is? See for yourself below! He is very bright and keeps me on my toes and keeps me smiling...and he juggles pool balls! Who would have known?!?
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For those of you who may or may not know/care, I started working again last monday. I am into week two of three total working weeks over the Christmas holiday break from classes.
As you may or may not know, my boss has a problem...she has no money. Noone knows why she has no money.
GET A LOAD OF THIS SHIT!!!
Here are the facts (which I have bitched about before and I will restate them again):
* My boss,, let's call her Esq., is a sole practitioner who employes 2 attorneys, 3 paralegals, 1 bankruptsy specialist, and a secretary.
* Esq. pays her employees 1/5 of what she charges clients for their services. She bills me at $65/hr and I only make $10/hr. She bills attorney services at $165/hr and they are on a $40K/yr salary. She makes a 4/5 profit on all work we do.
* Esq. bills clients for everything we do from recieving a fax to drafting a court document. Clients pay for the filing fees as well! No time goes unreimbursed by the client.
* Esq. gets a 25 ut of any settlement that she wins. This means she brings in anywhere from 5K to 50K a month in settlements, as pure profit for the company.
* Esq. has three offices, only two of which she pays rent for.
* She contributes almost nothing to the office in the way of supplies. We reuse folders (even ripped and written on ones), have no pens, out of stamps constantly, highlighters are all dried up. The only thing she faithfully buys is copy paper and printer ink which she readilly wastes by printing out everything at least twice, mainly because she loses the first copy she printed.
* She does not have any other large expenses associates with the business other than the phone systems and the copier rental fee which can't amount to more than 3 thousand a month.
So, with all the money coming in and very little going out, why does she continue to have anegative balance on her bank account?
I asked her for my pay for the past week and this week and she said she couldn't give it to me because she didn't have it. She said "I am expecting a check", meaning a settlement check, which is the same LAME excuse she gives everyone who asks her for the money she owes them.
Check this out...
she hasn't been paying into social security for her employees. She hasn't even paid her employees in six weeks! She is behind (majorly) on all her bills and the bills for the company to the point that creditors call daily as well as law firms threatening suit for unpaid balances.
So here is the problem and the resolution:
Problem: I can't afford to work for an employer who values their employees so little. She will pay for advertising before she pays her employees for the work that they do.
Solution: I am seeking new employment for the approaching summer months as well as when I graduate. I will be applying to 100 some odd law firms in the Pittsburgh area over the next few months.
Wish me luck in my job hunt and if you have a connection at any firm that does employment discrimination or family law hook me up! I am a hard worker and I devote my self fully to my job.